New New York, NY – The Public Regency Of Beneficial Enlightenment (PROBE; formerly the Imperial Department of Health) reported today that new research into the efficacy of prayer to improve peoples’ health proves that prayer is an effective alternative to medical care.
This new information, resulting from a collaborative effort with Columbia University, comes as a relief to the Imperial Administration, which is being forced to cut back on health care expenditures within the Empire in order to maintain the war in Iraq.
Princess Stewart, head of PROBE, held a news conference yesterday to say, “In order to improve the health of the Empire’s citizens, we’re asking all citizens to pray regularly for the health of at least two other people. We ask that you pray once a day for citizens who are in good health or have minor illnesses, and twice a day for citizens who have serious illnesses.” Then, as if an afterthought, the Princess continued, “Of course, prayer only works if you pray to the correct god, the Christian god.”
As she turned away to leave the news conference, the Princess abruptly turned around and, lighting up, said, “You know, you can make a charming poultice to heal illness and ward off evil spirits from maple leaves. One crisp autumn morning, go out and collect yourself some maple leaves. Pick only nice red ones, and only those that are perfectly shaped; no tears or imperfections. Take these leaves home and wash them in pure mineral water – I like to use water from the French Alps. You can also add some fancy French perfume to the mineral water, which gives the leaves a delightful fragrance. (I know, imports from France are illegal, but hey, I’m connected.) Now take two maple leaves, and using pure silk thread, sew the edges of the leaves together half way, forming a pocket. Fill this pocket with a potpourri of dried flower petals of organically grown roses, gardenias, lavender, and jasmine. Finish stitching together the edges of the leaves, and voilá, you have a lovely, fragrant poultice. Simply place this poultice over where it hurts and you’ll feel great. And if you have a lot of time on your hands, make about a hundred of these little pillows and lie on them. It feels simply wonderful.”
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