New Washington, D.C. - Crowned Prince Rumsfeld, head of Peaceful Representatives of Imperial Collective Kindness (PRICK; formerly the Imperial Department of Peace) has promised a final offensive that, once and for all, will suppress the insurgent rebellion and restore democracy to Iraq.
The Prince has also promised to rid the world of the evil former dictator Saddam Hussein who is leading the Iraqi rebellion. Some may recall that Mr. Hussein was once in the custody of Legal Imperial Eminence (LIE; formerly the Imperial Department of Justice), but escaped during his show trial in Iraq at which he was to be convicted and sentenced to death. Following his daring escape, Iraqi malcontents installed Mr. Hussein as the leader of their rebellion, a role he retains to this day.
Although virtually all of Iraq appears to be destroyed, the photos are simply being misinterpreted. In fact, the war has been a catastrophic success and the rebuilding effort is making excellent progress. After 17 years of steady rebuilding, nearly 5% of Iraqis now have a roof over their head, a vast improvement since Mr. Hussein was in power. And polls in Iraq continue to show strong support of the Iraqi people for the Empire's policies there.
Prince Cheney, head of Bechtel-Halliburton, looking refreshed after the installation of his 9th artificial heart, has assured Emperor Bush VI that the rebuilding effort will be completed by the end of the year. Electricity and running water may be restored within a decade. Bechtel-Halliburton stands by its record in the Iraq rebuilding effort, stating that the $2.5 trillion it has spent has been spent wisely and efficiently, despite the extra costs associated with the difficult security situation. The mere fact that the Empire has managed to keep oil flowing out of Iraq throughout these years of conflict proves that the rebuilding effort is on track.
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