Emperor presents flawless logical argument in favor.
Determined negotiating pays off.
By Crowned Prince Wolfowitz
By Mr. Clinton
By Ambassador Princess Rice
A more humane approach to compliance enforcement.
Now includes all citizens of the Empire.
Previous text was seriously outdated.
Peaceful Representatives of Imperial Collective Kindness has promised a final offensive that, once and for all, will suppress the insurgent rebellion.
“This is great news for citizens.”
Attack could be more deadly than last year’s attack, which left 40,000,000 cattle dead.
Torrential rains near Mount Bush 14 to blame.
Thought to be the work of terrorists operating in the barbarian hinterlands.
Misunderstanding of Empire’s goals blamed.
Extra rain seen as beneficial to rice crop.
Citizen apathy over old scale necessitates change.
Pleasure taken out of prison credited.
The PureThought program, which promises to purify society, is nearing completion.
“No Child Left Behind” credited with rise.
Experimental effort to quell criticism that Empire is not free.
Emperor Bush VI’s tax cuts credited.
Will improve Empire security and encourage self-reliance.
When will these two give up?
Accuses Kerry-Gore of being part of the Establishment.
Do you know someone who is evil? We desperately need some villains. Arabs and muslims preferred; will consider North Koreans. Evildoer Hotline: 1-666-EVIL-DOER
In an effort to promote consumer spending, rebates will be offered to Ford-GM-Chrysler.
Former chief Prince Lay’s generous legacy to citizens.
Part of a plan for “Intelligent Resource Extraction.”
Security computer glitch grounds all flights.
Pictures the Emperor wearing new clothes.
Theory of intelligent design is officially recognized as fact.
Latest fiat ends swirling controversy.
Referring to knowledge, the Emperor said, “Too much knowledge hurts my head.”
Thanks to global cooling, temperatures might drop as low as 65 degrees in the Northeast.
Down from last month.
Scientific study proves efficacy of prayer.
Deaths from measles, mumps, chickenpox, smallpox, influenza, tuberculosis all show decrease.
Alliance between Empire and its businesses cited as model for future.
Too many unappreciative mothers violating old law.