New Dallas, TX - Short on the heals of last year’s terrorist attack that wiped out 40,000,000 head of cattle, terrorists are threatening to unleash a fourth generation foot and mouth disease virus (FMD-IV) on the Empire. Terrorists, who are believed to be in possession of advanced gene splicing technology they purchased from Bechtel-Halliburton, claim that their new virus is twice as deadly as the third generation virus unleashed last year. Terrorists insist that they will release the virus unless the Empire leaves Iraq. Imperial Ambassador Princess Rice stated at a press conference today that, “The Empire does not negotiate with terrorists. Period.”
Princess Rice did offer some reassurance, however, “Should the terrorists unleash this horrible virus on the innocent citizens of the Empire, we will respond swiftly and forcefully. As we speak, the Princess Rice Battlegroup is steaming out to sea, poised to attack somebody - it doesn’t really matter who - in the event that our innocent citizens are harmed. In addition, we have undertaken a program of turning organic matter into an alternate food supply. This new food is called Soylent, and from what I understand, it tastes quite good.”
Another terrorist attack this year would bring the total number of attacks on the food supply to 100, a record number for one year. As a sign of the inventive resilience of Empire citizens, however, it is now common practice to pulverize and boil all food before consuming it, in order to kill microorganisms that might be present on or in the food. And, demonstrating the cleverness of the capitalist system, the habit of preparing food in this manner has spawned a whole new genre of cookbooks devoted to liquid cuisine.
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