New Atlanta, GA - The Public Regency Of Beneficial Enlightenment (PROBE; formerly the Imperial Department of Health) announced today that deaths from communicable diseases, including measles, mumps, chickenpox, smallpox, influenza, and tuberculosis all declined slightly from last year. PROBE credits the fiats of Emperor Bush VI with reducing disease. In particular, Patriot VIII, which permits banishing diseased citizens, who represent a threat to the security of the Empire, to the barbarian hinterlands, played a big role in reducing the disease figures.
New statistical methods also made a difference. Cutting edge research into novel statistical methods suggests that it is possible to simply ignore samples that conflict with desired statistical goals. Applying this novel statistical research to the problem of monitoring diseases yielded big reductions in the mortality rates.
But more needs to be done. While some in the Imperial Administration have naively suggested making vaccines and antibiotics available to the citizens, the wisdom of Emperor Bush VI in privatizing health care prevails. To quote the dear leader, “Disease is not the backyard of the Empire. Citizens must take responsibility into themselves and own the society.”
This writer believes the Emperor is on the right track. If more people would stick to pure thoughts, healthy living, and sincere prayer to the right God, disease would take care of itself.
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