New Dallas, TX - The crime rate within the Empire has fallen dramatically in recent months, thanks to smart policy changes by Emperor Bush VI. It turns out that the crime rate figures were grossly distorted by too many citizens committing petty crimes in the hope of being sent to the infamous “Camp 69” for “Domestic Combatants.”
It was widely, and mistakenly, believed that “Camp 69” used various forms of sexual titillation to exlicit information from prisoners. Citizens falsely believed that being sent to “Camp 69” would expose them to nudity, thongs, bondage, enemas, mutual masturbation, group sex, and perverted sexual techniques.
Sensing a brewing scandal, Emperor Bush VI a few months ago quietly ordered all prisons for domestic combatants to immediately cease all pleasurable forms of torture, and ordered a thorough review of the supposed practices. The Emperor has since stated publicly that such kinky behavior, if true, is merely that of a few “bad apples.”
As a result of that policy change, citizen interest in being sent to “Camp 69” has plummeted, and so has the crime rate. The Emperor’s spokesperson was quick to point out that the policy change does not affect prisons for foreign “enemy combatants,” who are believed to not enjoy sex as much.
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