New Washington, D.C. – Addressing both houses of Congress this morning, the Emperor urged them to approve his request to attack Iran. The Emperor has previously stated that Congress’ indirect authorization to attack Iraq also gives the Emperor permission to attack Iran, so his request before Congress today is merely a polite formality, intended to restore some measure of dignity to the cowardly members of Congress. The Emperor should be congratulated for his noble gesture.
While stressing that the attack would not be an act of war, but simply a non-diplomatic resolution to a crisis created by Iran, the Emperor laid out a flawlessly logical case for attacking Iran, on which he blamed the failing Imperial economy. His argument was as succinct as it was logical:
The obvious solution to any sentient, genuine patriot is that the Empire must attack Iran to save the Empire’s economy. The logic is so clear and simple that only bleeding heart communists – who ought to be sent to reeducation resorts anyway – could come to any other conclusion, such as the laughable notion that we should reduce our consumption of oil. Ignoring for a moment that the Empire is a sprawling country with few alternatives to automobile transportation, the mere fact that the Empire has incarcerated 25% of the world’s prisoners entitles it to 25% of the world’s oil.
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