Oh, God, I’ve Crossed Over

January 20, 2009 – I never thought I’d say this, but I’m officially a redneck now.

By The Cerebral Aesthetic Vagabond

The other day my mother e-mailed me one of those “redneck” photo collections. I always love those, but little did I realize why I’m so fond of them, until today. The reason I feel such affinity for redneck “style” is that I’ve become one! That’s it, this former city boy has officially “crossed over.” So without further ado, here’s my collection of genuine, not contrived, redneck photos.

Redneck central heating
Redneck central heating

Why waste all that heat that the dryer generates? I simply disconnected the vent hose, covered the end with some window screen, and heat and humidify the house while drying clothes. For real!


Redneck clothes hamper

Just an old cardboard box left over from one of my many household moves.

Redneck exhaust system
Redneck exhaust system

I don’t have an exhaust hood in my kitchen, so I rolled up some roof flashing into a cone that fits over my coffee roaster. The board sits in the window opening and a wine bottle cork holds the dryer vent hose tight. It’s quick and easy to install and remove.

Redneck stove top cleaner
Redneck stove top cleaner

I stopped using toothpaste several years ago – see, real redneck here! – but I still have several tubes of toothpaste. So rather than throw them away – I’m loathe to throw anything away – I found that toothpaste is great for polishing my glass stove top, and a lot cheaper than that stuff they want you to buy for that purpose. Baking soda also works well, but I use that to brush my teeth (I was just fooling about not brushing).

Redneck rain gutter
Redneck rain gutter

Over the years I’ve repeatedly tried to stop the roof leak in the laundry room, without success. So in the meantime, here’s my rain collection system: a few buckets.

Redneck water pipe support
Redneck water pipe support

An old broom makes a great support for a water pipe in the basement.

Redneck doorstop
Redneck doorstop

This closet door won’t latch – one of about a dozen doors that won’t latch – and keeps hanging open, so in the meantime, a barbell makes a great doorstop.

Redneck shoe repair
Redneck shoe repair

I’ve been able to keep this pair of shoes operational for a couple of years past their prime, thanks to the miraculous duct tape. In fact, it looks like my shoes are due for another repair job.

Redneck security system
Redneck security system

If I leave my house unattended for any length of time, I turn on the high-tech security system: boards over the windows. Look, they’re even labeled. Now, that’s class.

Redneck pest control system
Redneck pest control system

I haven’t had the dubious pleasure of actually eradicating any varmints with this thing yet, but I got close with this one bird that was trying to peck a hole in my roof. And if “supermouse” ever returns – the mouse that entered my house and can cross a room in the blink of an eye, jump three feet in the air, and climb straight up walls – I’ll be waiting...

Redneck cable TV
Redneck cable TV

See the cable?

Redneck desktop organizer
Redneck desktop organizer

Cheap in-boxes stacked up are an inexpensive and compact way to clean off one’s desktop.

Redneck network equipment rack
Redneck network equipment rack

It just so happens that those stackable in-boxes also make a handy rack for computer networking equipment.

Redneck bandaid
Redneck bandaid

I saved the best for last. The other day I sliced myself pretty good with a kitchen knife. I have no bandaids in the house, so I made my own – that wasn’t the first time either, by the way. What’s nice about making your own bandaids is that you can make them any size. These would be better if made with that cloth medical tape, but I have none of that either. My choices were masking tape, duct tape or electrical tape. Warning: it’s a little tricky to fabricate one of these suckers while you’re bleeding all over the place, so it’s helpful to have someone else do it if possible.

The End