Obama Resigns

April 1, 2013 – An exercise in wishful thinking.

By The Cerebral Aesthetic Vagabond

President Obama announced his resignation early this morning, shocking his supporters, many of whom were still clinging to “hope” that he would deliver the “change” he promised them.

Citing the interference of his job as president with his active schedule of golf, vacationing, television watching and smoking, the president said simply, “It’s just not worth it. Besides, the people of this country don’t appreciate me. I offered them everything: food stamps, cell phones, two years of unemployment, amnesty for illegal aliens, freedom from guns, higher taxes, everything. And yet, just look at my poll numbers. Screw ‘em.”

While cramming the 3,000 pages of ObamaCare legislation into his travel bags, along with another 20,000 pages of regulations ensuing from that law, the president sniffed and pretended to wipe a tear from his eye and said, “They don’t deserve this either. Screw ‘em.”

When asked if Mr. Biden would take the helm as president, Obama chuckled before replying, “No, no, he’s got a terminal case of foot-in-mouth disease. No, I called Bush, you know, junior, who used to be the president before me.”

Asked if the junior Bush agreed to take the job, Obama replied, “Oh, yes. He was positively giddy. Of course, he admitted that he was lounging in the sun beside the pool, working on his sixth Piña Colada when I called him, but he was delighted with the prospect of getting away from dull ranch life and back into the White House. He also chuckled mischievously before muttering, ‘Jeb is gonna be pissed.’ Then he must have passed out because I heard a glass crash on the patio and he stopped talking. Then some secret service guy came on the line and said, ‘Um, he’ll have to call you back.’”

When asked how Obama’s legacy would fare in the historical record, Obama replied, “Let me say this: I’m right up there with Lincoln and Roosevelt in what I’ve accomplished. A lot of people call me the worst president in history, but they said that about Bush too. I stand by my record.”

When asked if he was referring to his record increase in the national debt, Obama scoffed and replied, “No, my other records.”

When asked what other “records,” Obama, stammered a bit and furtively glanced around, as if searching for a teleprompter before finally stating, “Um, well, um, let me see.” Then his face brightened and he held up a finger, saying, “I ended ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’”

The End